What enthusiastic consent actually looks like
We practice consent every day. We consent to join our friends for lunch, to lend out personal items, or to give someone a lift in our car. In these everyday situations, we’re familiar with what consent looks like. It could be a smile and a nod, verbally expressing agreeance, or readily saying “yes”.
Practicing consent in romantic and sexual situations require us to recognise and respect the same cues as we do in nonsexual situations. For example, if you’re initiating sex with someone else, you would hold out for the other person to express agreeance - smiling, nodding and making eye contact, verbally expressing comfort or pleasure (“I like that”, “Keep going"), or freely and voluntarily saying “yes”.
What’s the difference between consent and enthusiastic consent?
If you’re engaging in romantic or sexual activity, you need consent every time. Consent must be informed, voluntary and active, meaning that, through an expression of clear physical and verbal actions, a person has indicated permission to engage in romantic or sexual activity. It is critical that you pay attention to and respect the other people’s verbal and physical signals of agreement, and you should expect others to do the same.
However, while consent is necessary, enthusiastic consent should always be the goal. While consent is about saying "yes", enthusiastic consent focuses on the enthusiasm of the "yes". More than just being granted permission to engage in romantic and sexual activity, enthusiastic consent, as the name suggests, seeks others’ enthusiastic agreement to be intimate.
Seeking consent
The Commonwealth Consent Policy Framework: Promoting Healthy Sexual Relationships and Consent Among Young People (669 KB) establishes a clear, consistent and evidence-based definition of consent, with five core concepts underpinning the messaging.
The five core concepts of consent
Consent to participate in any sexual activity must be free and voluntary, and expressed genuinely and enthusiastically from all people involved.
All people engaging in any sexual acts must also be free from violence, pressure, coercion, threats, deception, intimidation, monitoring, degradation, surveillance, control or abuse of power.
Consent is only present when everyone involved genuinely and enthusiastically expresses they want to engage in that specific sexual act.
Everyone must understand what that specific sexual act is, how that act will be conducted, including the use of protection and contraception, and any potential consequences of that act.
Agreeing to one specific sexual act does not mean agreeing to other kinds of sexual acts, including the on-sharing of sexual images or information.
Consent is clearly communicated, and sexual partners are actively checking for consent verbally and non-verbally.
Consent is never implied or assumed. Silence, freezing, the absence of a ‘no’, appearing disengaged or a lack of any apparent discomfort, hesitation or resistance, does not imply consent.
Physical arousal does not indicate consent.
Consent for past sexual acts does not mean consent for future sexual acts, and consent can be withdrawn at any point.
If one person consents but another does not, then consent is not present. All people must genuinely and enthusiastically express that they want to engage in the sexual activity.
Everyone involved in a sexual act needs to have the capacity to communicate and withdraw consent. Factors that affect the capacity to consent include age, intoxication, consciousness and other impairments.
There are laws that place restrictions on people's ability to give consent based on age.
Someone who is unconscious or asleep cannot give consent. Intentionally giving someone alcohol or drugs to make them more likely to engage in a sexual act is a form of coercion.
While it may feel challenging to talk about sex, being open and honest with your partner about what your sexual needs and desires are, and how you can fulfil theirs, is a critical step in achieving enthusiastic consent. Plus, asking for enthusiastic consent can be fun and sexy! Dirty talk is often combineable with ongoing consent conversations.
Consent should never be transactional and should never come with the expectation of a correct response. Giving and receiving consent may not look the same in every situation, but consent needs to be specific and informed, and communicated clearly, enthusiastically and genuinely, every time.
Seeking consent can look like:
- Asking direct questions like, 'Would you like to try this? Is this something you'd like? Do you want to keep going? Can I do this?'
- Checking in as you go. Don't assume that your partner is still feeling good because they initially said yes. Keep checking in periodically to make sure everyone involved is comfortable and consent is ongoing, by saying things like 'Is this still okay?'
- Reading body language. Check for any body language signs that tell you if your partner is still feeling good. If they are moving away, freezing or tensing up, this could be a sign your partner is feeling unfomfortable and consent is withdrawn. If you ever think your partner is not having a good time, or may not want to continue, even if they haven't said anything, stop and check in with them.
Receiving consent can be:
- Verbal, expressed by saying things like 'yes' or 'keep going'.
- Non-verbal, expressed by nodding, smiling, or providing another visual affirmative cue.
It's important that cues to expressing consent are clearly communicated by all people involved. Have a discussion with your partner before commencing sexual activity and agree on ways you can give and withdraw consent easily. If you are ever unsure in the moment, stop and check in with your partner.
What to listen for to gauge enthusiastic consent
Enthusiastic consent can look like:
- Confirming there is reciprocal interest before initiating verbal or physical sexual activity, such as asking “Would you like it if I did this?”, “Are you open to experimenting with this?”
- Periodically checking in with your partner, such as asking “Is this still okay?”
- Continuously expressing comfort and pleasure – smiling, nodding, making eye contact
- Saying “yes” freely and voluntarily
Enthusiastic consent does not look like:
- A partner who says “maybe”
- A partner who says "I guess so"
- A partner who says "fine"
- A partner who says "If you'd like"
What if the answer isn't an enthusiastic yes?
If the answer isn't an enthusiastic yes, but you're unsure, check-in with your partner. If they've clearly said "no", don’t force or pressure them into it. It’s also important to refrain from asking them why they’ve said ‘no’. Their reason for saying ‘no’ is theirs alone to know, unless they choose to tell you.
If you don’t want to do something, whether you just don’t want to do it now or ever, you should feel empowered to say ‘no’ without explanation. How and when you decide to engage in sexual activity is your choice, and for other people it is theirs.
Additional resources and support
If you have any questions about support or how to make a disclosure or complaint, reach out to the Safer Communities Office. The Safer Communities Office are specialist staff experienced in providing an immediate response to people that have experienced sexual misconduct, domestic or family violence, bullying or harassment, and issues relating to modern slavery.
The Safer Communities Office is open Monday to Friday, 8:30 am to 5:30 pm, and can be contacted on +61 (02) 8627 6808 or via email at safer-communities.officer@sydney.edu.au.
If you're feeling unsafe on campus, call Protective Services on +61 (02) 9351 3333. In an emergency, call 000.
If you want to find out more, please see the University's Sexual Misconduct Policy.
The it's all about consent webpage is the University's central hub for information on healthy sexual relationships and how we can all work together to create a culture of respect, safety and support.
Find out how to access sexual health services and explore additional resources on sexual relationships on the sexual health and consent webpage on the student website.
Student life, wellbeing and support has a range of health, academic and personal support available to you 24/7.
Last updated: 27 February 2024.
